Break Free

I had this huge, no, enormous crush on someone and even my ex boyfriend knows about it. In fact, we used to fight because of this crush. Let's just call him C.

I was so hopelessly smitten by C that I literally am willing to do anything just for another extra second with him. And yes, he knew that I had feelings for him and he admitted that he did too, but we decided not to do anything about it. Partly because he felt that he's not ready for relationship or whatever bullshit that he said, and partly because of my bad history of relationships. We still went out together few times though whenever we were free, texted each other sometimes, traded secrets and talked about random stuff.

However, after my breakup, I vowed to stay off guys for an indefinite time. At first, C was the exception. But over time, and when I thought about C and I thoroughly, I felt like the only reason he's close to me is because of my feelings for him, making me an easy target to be taken advantage of. I didn't exactly tell him what's on my mind, but I did mention about some other thing, which I guess might be related one way or another with what I'm talking in here, and he said that he's OK with it but I sensed a tiny bit of hostility from him afterwards, confirming my suspicion. Or maybe he was just busy or something. But it's easier to go with the former assumption.

So here I am, writing a post for my newly found dedication for abstinence. How long will I do this? Until I believe that I won't be dependent on men so much. Until I believe that I'm capable of being completely selfless in relationship. Until I believe that I could see myself growing old with the next guy I'm with. And here's a fitting song - for me anyway - to end this post.

Cheers.

P/s: I may have been exaggerating a little bit and using some provocative words. But what's life without drama?