When I Close My Eyes

When I close my eyes, the first thing I see is not the absence of light. Instead, the darkness gives way to your beautiful face and you would flash me your beautiful smile that I have always loved.

When I close my eyes, I could feel you tracing every inch of my skin, leaving marks as you go. I would try to touch you, grab you, press you hard against me, only to be greeted with the cold night air.

When I close my eyes, time seems to move backward and I would be back to that night on the beach or that day at the restaurant. I would re-live every second we've been together and anticipate the moment we'll be rejoined again.

When I close my eyes, everything fades away and there's only you and me.

Jealous

Have I ever told you
How jealous I am of the Sun
For she can pull you into her hug
And shower you with little kisses?

Or

How jealous I am of the Wind
For she can sing to you her sweet words
And whispers lovingly in your ears?

Or

How jealous I am of the Moon
For she can listen to your worries
And be with you in the darkest hour?

Of Being In Love

It's not just about having someone by my side. It's about knowing and having someone by my side, come what may.

It's not just about filling the void inside me. It's about complementing every bit of myself, every bit of my personality.

It's not just so I wouldn't have to go through another lonely night by myself. It's about being able to sit through the silence together, comfortably, doing absolutely nothing.

It's not just about so I could get laid. It's about getting to know each other, in the most intimate way I could possibly imagine.

Most importantly, it's not just about another guy. It's about you - and only you.

P/s: And yes, you are laced in every letter, every word I wrote. You are embedded in my life, despite the thousands of miles between us, beyond the pixelated screen. I miss you.

Pp/s: Just in case you are reading this, to which I kinda hope you did and did not, I just want to clarify that I don't know if this is indeed love. After several failed relationships, I've concluded that I'm clueless about it (let's be honest, who actually have a clue about it?). But like what you've said, there's no need to put a label on whatever this is. The utmost important thing is you are a dear to me. You are my special someone :)

Ppp/s: I feel obliged to put a disclaimer that the 'getting laid' part was written and left there because it felt right and fit the post. Not necessarily because I want to or have actually do/done it.

Not Much Of A Short Story: Galaxy

I was just thinking about you.

Oh, really?

Yeap. I always think about you. It's embarrassing, actually.

So how much do you think about me?

My brain is a galaxy and you are the space that occupies it.

Basically you're saying that I'm just an empty space?

Smiling, she said, "You know what I meant."

Smiling, he replied, "I do."

Forever And A Day

People told me to busy myself. Making sure that every second of my waking moment is occupied, just so there won't be a place in my mind for you to inhabit.

But it's not working. Because no matter what, you are always there; sitting next to me in class (or so I wish), at the back of my mind when I'm working on my assignments, and forever in my heart.

And those times when I don't hear from you is agonising. It literally causes a dull aching pain in my heart that I can't ignore. Making me wish to rip my heart out. (Or if that's just simply indigestion, I don't know)

Time has always been an issue for us both. Then, and now. I hope that later, in the future, I will still love you as much as I do right now (and perhaps even more), and we will be united. Together. Finally. For forever and a day.

I love you. Really, I do.

(Or if that's just my hormones because of PMS, I don't know)

Not Much Of A Short Story: Unspoken Words 2

I love you.

I smiled at her.

"Do you want to watch a movie later?" I asked.
"Yeah, sure." she shrugged nonchalantly.
"Hey, is everything OK?" Concerned, I inched closer.

 Raving mad about you. 

"Yeah, I guess. Just tired" she took another sip from my Coke.
"You could just ordered, y'know." I took a bite from my burger.

She just smiled at me.

I've fallen head over heels for you.

Not Much Of A Short Story: Unspoken Words

Just say it.

He smiled at me.

"Do you want to watch a movie later?" he asked.
"Yeah, sure." I shrugged nonchalantly.
"Hey, is everything OK?" Concerned, he inched closer.

Say the words, silly!

"Yeah, I guess. Just tired" I took another sip from his Coke.
"You could just ordered, y'know." he took a bite from his burger.

I just smiled at him.

Just say the words and I'm yours.

Love Was Once

Love was once
  the hot chocolate you long for in the ice cold winter,
  the skinny dip you do under the summer sun,
  the scent that you love most during spring,
and those were few of many in the list.

Alas,
love was once of all those things,
but no longer of the same meaning,
for what she knows is torn apart,
and breaks the hearts of two young souls.

But believe when she sings,
  love was once a happy tale,
  passed through all the years,
  oh, the smiles on faces,
  and songs in voices.

But sadly love  was once; and ends in hail.

Reasons Not To Be In Love

Some of the reasons I could think of at the moment. In case I've decided to fall in love, I should re-read this.

- You don't have to care about what the other feels.
- You don't have to rely to the other for your happiness (read: you are responsible for your emotions).
- More time for yourself.
- You could avoid the dramas and the fights. You never like them anyway.
- Independence and freedom.

Dear You...

Even though I know you'll probably not going to read this, but here it goes...

I'm sorry if I acted a bit cold to you just now. Maybe I'm not in the mood. Maybe it's PMS (though I highly doubt it but it's a convenient excuse). Or maybe I'm just sick of waiting for something that is not certain.

It's as if you're toying with me, with my feelings. Or perhaps it's just me who is stupid enough to fall for you. Hard. Giving you half of me, when I'm not even sure if you want it in the first place.

I enjoy the bantering, the flirting. I honestly do. But maybe this should stop. Before I fall for you even deeper. Before it's getting harder for me to walk away. Before I drown in my own dreams of the unlikeliness.

The lovely WB

When I was in Form 5, I joined a clique...and in a way, they became my best friends. When I think about it, I forgot how I ended up in this clique in the first place, because...I was (still am...I think) miss goody two shoes. A nerd. And they were...not really.

I guess they bring out the craziness in me. Balanced out my nerdishness.

My life without them was dull and colourless. But thanks to What's App, now I could talk to them like how we used to hang out at one of our rooms and gossiping or just a pointless - but full of laughter - chat.

Yes, I laugh out loud when I text with you guys. Because you are awesome. And I just laughed till my tummy hurts.

I love you, WB :)

P/s: Currently discussing which part of A's anatomy we would take if she turns to gold, and what we would do with it. Haha.

Of Falling In Love

Don't rush to fall in love, because even in fairy tales. The happy ending takes place on the last page.

- copied from here -

The first thing that came to mind when I read this tweet is 'what if the last page is death?' Imagine, after years and years of waiting, you finally fall in love. At your deathbed. Not really a happy ending, right?

And no, I am not encouraging you to rush the feeling. Life is a lot more than finding your 'other half' or 'the one' or whatever people call it.

Try to ask yourself this before you continue on your quest in finding your soulmate: Do you love yourself wholly?

P/s: Do not rely on others for your happiness.

Summer 2012 in one post

Went through my form 3's art file.

Found these drawings made by my friends (I asked them to draw for me :P)

Tried to draw again. Meh.

The brothers

1) Made it in Cadbury World. 2) Fav childhood junk food. 3) Learned sewing (more like how to draw patterns) with mum.

1) Got twin yolks thrice! 2) Baked potato for dinner. Bluergh.

Freaking HUGE bear! My cousin's.

The girls. The lovely girls :)

MRSM annual dinner.

Ordered cookies. Those packed ones contained about 7000 cookies altogether.

My special mama carries designs haha

Helped mum with these for someone's wedding (I did the eyes only though)

Made it and ate it.

A quick table tennis match, which I won. Haha.

Medical School, University of Edinburgh. Met a Sabahan when we were in Scotland.

An attempt of photobombing Burin's snapshot.

Hi, my name is Nisa and yes, this is my car. Problem?

Of Love Songs

Few months ago, I went to a talk in Cairo, and one of the speakers talked briefly about love. I might be paraphrasing here but she said, in a research conducted between a love struck person and a mentally crazy person, it showed that their brain scans are the same. In other words, when you are shown with the two brain scans, you cannot differentiate which is which, which pretty much validate the saying 'crazy in love' etc etc.

And this brought us into our real topic today. Love songs (and how unrealistic the songs could be). I think Matluthfi had done a video about this but I seem to cannot find it (perhaps due to copyright issue or something).

So anyway. Yeah. Love songs. I think it's safe to say that majority of the songs existed are about love. I have nothing against love songs (since most of the songs I heard are love songs too) but what irk me sometimes is how unrealistic and illogical the lyrics could be (but perhaps that's just my scientific and logical oriented brain).

Let's start with Bruno Mars' Grenade.

I'd catch a grenade for you (yeah, yeah, yeah)
Throw my hand on a blade for you (yeah, yeah, yeah)
I'd jump in front of a train for you (yeah, yeah, yeah)
You know I'd do anything for you (yeah, yeah, yeah)
I would go through all this pain
Take a bullet straight through my brain
Yes, I would die for you, baby
But you won't do the same

This song basically talks about a man's unrequited love. He's willing to die for her but she's not. Yadda yadda yadda. First, I've read somewhere that why would someone throw a grenade at that girl, unless she's someone worth throwing a grenade at (read: a bad girl). The same goes to the bullet part. Secondly, why on earth you need to jump in front of a train for a girl? If she's strapped/stuck on the rail for whatever reason and that's your idea of saving her, well congratulations. You just increased the casualty count dumbhead.

Next is Bruno Mars' Talking to the Moon.

At night when the stars light up my room
I sit by myself talking to the moon.
Trying to get to you
In hopes you're on the other side
Talking to me too.
Or am I a fool who sits alone
Talking to the moon?

To answer your question, yes Bruno, you are a fool who sits alone, talking to the moon. I can't believe with the development in communication technology, you chose to talk to the moon trying to get to the girl you like. Fine, let's say you live in a world where the internet and telephone haven't been invented yet. Don't you ever heard about doves? I heard they make quite a good messenger. Or you could try smoke signals (I think the main purpose for it is emergency but it is still better than talking to the moon right?)

The last song for this post is Christina Perri's A Thousand Years.

I have died everyday waiting for you
Darling don't be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more

Peeps, show me a person on this Earth, real or fictional (preferably real, since our point here is to be realistic), who has lived for a thousand year. And Christina, I have only one question for you. How exactly do you die everyday?

I'm sure there are plenty of love songs out there with lyrics that make us go 'whaaat??', so if you have any love song in your mind at the moment that just doesn't make any sense to you, come and share with us. Till then, I'm off to find something to munch.

What is a father?

Who is 'father' to you?

Does it necessarily have to be someone who contributed to your genetic pool, to your mere existence on this planet?

What if, that same person, is also the one who is never there when you need him? Who is never there to witness your glorious moments? Who is never there to pick you up when you are at your lowest?
What if, that same person, is also the one who barely spends time with you? Who calls you only once a year? Who, if you are lucky enough, you meet only once a year?

Could you still call him 'father'?

What if, you never share a secret - or a private joke - with him?
What if, you never run to him when you're hurt, looking for comfort?
What if, you don't remember climbing on his lap or riding on his back when you were little?
What if, you don't remember when was the last time you spend - and enjoy - some time together?

Could you still call him 'father'?

Is it possible,to share the same traits, the same passions, the same hobbies, with the one you called 'father', yet you know nothing about him?
Is it possible, to sit and talk with the one you called 'father' for hours, yet you dread every second that passed?
Is it possible to look at the one you called 'father', and realized, he's just another character in your life?
Is it possible, to look at the one you called 'father', and feel like you are looking at a stranger?

*****

Sometimes, I wonder, do you ever think about us?

*****

I may have a father, but that does not necessarily mean I have a dad.
 

When does letting go becomes the best option?

This is going to be a wondering, pondering post about love (and I'm narrowing the scope to love between a man and a woman, boyfriend and girlfriend etc etc). If you're not the kind who likes to discuss such subject, feel free to skip this post. The questions posed are not necessarily rhetoric. You are welcomed to answer any - or all. If you have your own questions, just shoot.

***** 

Could you love and hate someone at the same time? Could you fall out of love?

How would you know for sure it is love, and not other feeling? Such as lust? Or worse, sympathy? Could you mistaken the feeling of being comfortable (or secure) with someone as love?

Is it possible, if you couldn't imagine yourself being with someone other than that particular someone, yet at the same time, you couldn't imagine spending the rest of your life with that particular someone?

What if, your partner decided to walk away? What would you do? Are you going to let it be, or fight for it? But is he/she worth it? But doesn't the fact that he/she is willing to walk away indicates that he/she has fallen out of love? Can you make him/her falls for you again? And if you have tried - for so many time, for so hard - when would you decide that enough is enough, and it is time to let go, to move on?

How much would you let yourself hurt because of love? How many bumps, crashes, trips and blows are you willing to endure in the name of love?

 *****

Be honest to yourself. Don't you think that, if I truly love you with all my heart, I would not do what I had done? I'm not saying that everything is a lie. But I'm not saying that everything is the truth either. I guess I was just confused.

I hope you will not hate me for this. But how could you not, if I hate myself too, for doing this to you?

What is love?

How could you love someone you hardly even know? How could you give your heart to a person you have never met?

Tell me, because I need to know.

Tell me, because I'm starting not to believe in love.

*****

You know what I would love to do right now?

To just run away. Leave this place. Be with you.

*****

I wonder, do you realize that I've never say it back to you? And it doesn't bother you if I didn't say it?

*****

Are you telling me the truth? How could I believe you?

*****

I have lots of questions to ask you, but I don't know how to bring them up. Besides, you never seems to care to have a proper conversation with me.

*****

In the end, you wouldn't be reading this. And I would be left here, all by myself, trying to sort my way through this puzzle.