I've wrote before about what do I fear most. This week, I've realized that I have another fear, and that is to be a completely useless person.
Actually I've been thinking about this for quite some time, especially whenever I'm thinking about quitting medical school. In a way, this particular fear is the one that keeps me chained to medical school. Heh. So anyway, I guess the thought is more...prominent, lately. Probably because I'm currently in pediatrics posting, and it's one of the postings, if not the number one, with highest failure rate, and I'm not the one that takes failure - or the possibility of it - very well. Also, the fact that some of our lecturers said that it's not too late to back out isn't really helping me, as someone who is easily swayed.
Why do I want to become a doctor in the first place? Honestly, it's because of my mom. I've been told to be one - specifically an O&G specialist - since I can remember, which in turn, stealing me the opportunity to dream of the many possibilities that I could be. Now, I couldn't even imagine myself doing anything else. At the same time, I don't think my heart is in this field 100%.
However, to back out now would mean all those 5 years of studying medicine would be a total waste. Truthfully, I don't remember what I've learned last year, let alone the last 5 years! Tsk. I don't think I acquire any new skill, except maybe faking friendliness. Other skills that I have, is deteriorating, since I'm too busy studying (or pretending to) to sharpen those less-than-average skills of mine. I don't even have a passion. Something that I know I truly love and I'm willing to cross heaven and hell to do it.
Even if I want to change my course, I don't have a basic qualification, as I didn't go to any foundation/matriculation etc. Not to forget the fact that I'm chained and bounded by my scholarship contract. So, yeah. I'm basically screwed for another 3 years. Or forever. Depending on how things worked out.
What I'm trying to say is, I am basically a useless person. I don't have any skill that I could do for a living or to be proud of. Worse is, I am useless and a lazy ass (please save your preach about how I should just not be a lazy ass and try to be more useful).
At least, by becoming a doctor, I might have the slightest chance of actually not being a complete useless to the world. I hope.
P/s: to the person who inspired this post, I hope and wish you will succeed in life.
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omg..you literally take out the words playing in my head and put them into words. I'm in the same situation as you are, maybe not 100% but I think you can understand what I'm feeling, I hope so..as for me, I have zero passion studying medicine. I loathe the fact that I'm gonna be a doctor. I'm sorry for contaminating your blog with my whining, feel free to delete this, but I just wanna express myself. I'm not fit to be a doctor, my knowledge is not there, my skills..heh don't say la..I'm useless. But at the same time, I have no idea what to do if not medicine, I've been tuned my whole life to be a doctor (or should I say, to WANT to be a doctor) and suddenly I changed totally, 360 degrees, now I don't know what is my passion. Worst, I have bond with the government, or else I have to pay a huge amount of money, which of course an amount that I can only pay if I won a million RM. *sigh* I'm happy to know that someone knows how I feel (I assume you kinda know) but at the same time I'm sad that someone knows how I feel..because I know it's painful
ReplyDelete-anyway..just fyi, I came across your blog when I was searching what's the definition of escapism, a term that I'm constantly experiencing now..I just wanna sleep and sleep and sleep to forget everything. Didn't expect to read a blogpost that speaks me out. Thank you
Fellow comrade!
DeleteNot sure if you're going you read my reply but thank you for the comment. I thought I was the only one feeling like this, but as my friend said, 'there are billions of people in the world, you're not special' haha
All the best in your future undertakings. Fake it until you make it eh